TRUST
Stacie and I invited a group of friends to an EAL practice session at Six Oaks Farm where I boarded my horses. We both recently completed a three-day Equine Assisted Growth and Learning (EAGALA) certification. Stacie invited two of her horse friends, Lori and Ann. I invited my friend Deb and her 15-year old daughter, Ashely as well as the owner of Six Oaks, Joe.
I started by welcoming everyone to Joe’s amazing farm. Joe jumped in by explaining that he’s not a horse-guy, which is why he hired a horse trainer to give lessons and live in the barn apartment. He explained that he loves animals, which is why later this spring his two girl goats, Daisy and Buttercup, will be having kids. The female reindeer, or cows, have also been bred. He asked if anyone had a connection to lamas or alpaca as he’d like to add them to the farm as well.
A rambunctious young golden retriever kept begging us to throw his tennis ball, dropping it in front of anyone who was paying attention to him. While an orange barn cat lounged in the sun on a picnic table, with a second one snuggled in a cat bed on top of a cabinet just inside the barn door.
After Joe’s storytelling, Stacie got us started with a warm-up activity designed to help us get to know each other better and begin building trust.
“We’d like everyone to get to know each other a little better before we start working with the horses”, she explained. “As you heard from Joe there are lots of animals on the farm, including a variety of horses and a donkey. You’re invited to select an animal you identify with and share with us why you picked it.”
Deb offered to go first. She shared that she felt the most connected with Honey, the golden retriever who was still actively pestering us to throw his ball. She shared that she had a golden at home and considered herself a life-long dog lover.
Ashley jumped in that she too felt closest to the dog. She continued that she really liked the horses and thought the reindeer and goats were cool, she just hasn’t had much experience with them.
Next, Lori shared that she identified with the black, white, and brown tri-color paint horse grazing in the front pasture.
“See that pretty mare walking toward the automatic waterer” she asked. She reminds me of my first show horse, Suzie. I showed her up until I decided to use her as a brood mare. I still have her and her son in my backyard stable. Suzie is now an old lady and has Cushing’s, so I’m not sure how long she’ll be with us.
Joe jumped in next, sharing that his favorite critter was his goat, Daisy. Daisy followed him around like a dog. He definitely was her “person”.
Ann was deep in thought, apparently finding it challenging to pick an animal. Not wanting to break her concentration, everyone patiently waited as she scanned the property clearly weighing her options.
After several minutes, she declared, “I identify most with the flies buzzing around. They are constantly on the move, getting into a lot of shit. That’s what my life feels like right now. Super busy and full of shit.”
I didn’t know what to say, so looked to Stacie to respond. She’d been friends with Ann her whole life, both attending the same grade throughout their school years and riding horses together forever. Stacie was also a licensed mental health professional, so I knew she was well versed in what to say that wouldn’t make Ann feel awkward or blow the situation up. All the while, I’m thinking to myself, A fly? Really? What’s going on behind that choice?
Stacie calmly thanked everyone for sharing adding that we appreciated everyone’s vulnerability, completely ignoring Ann unusual response. She invited us to our next activity which was extended appendages.
Everyone stood up and moved toward the roundpen where my beautiful bay colored gelding, Al, waited. An English saddle, saddle pad, and halter hung on the rails, irons dangling over the sides. We asked for three volunteers. Ann declared that we just wanted to observe. Joe, Deb, and Lori told us they were game. We invited them to decide who was going to be the “brain”, and what two people were going to be the “arms”. The brain is the only one who can talk and they will tell the arms what to do in order to saddle Al. We asked the three to link arms, so Deb moved to one side, Joe stayed in the middle, and Lori moved to the opposite side of Joe.
The next twenty minutes was filled with laughter, by everyone but Ann, as the “brain” asked the “arms” to saddle Al, while he stepped sideways, making it difficult to even put on the saddle pad, let alone the saddle!
Following a short debrief about the importance of clear communication, as well as the implications of miscommunication. We explored the significance of each participant trusting each other to not do anything that would make the situation dangerous. That conversation let to our acknowledging that Al didn’t bolt or get too upset, reading the positive energy of the participants.
There was time for one more activity before we would close and have lunch together. We asked Joe, Lori and Ashley to go with Stacie who would provide them with their instructions. Ann and Deb would stay with me, where I would tell them what their job was. Stace whispered to her group that their job was to move Al a full circle clockwise around the arena. You guessed it, I told my two ladies that there job was to move Al a full counterclockwise. Once they had their instruction, we brought them all together, letting Al off his lead.
Each group raised their arms, trying to push Al in the direction they were instructed to go. It didn’t take them long to figure out they’d been given conflicting instructions. At this point, Lori, Joe, Deb, and Ashley figured out if they worked together, going way and then the other, both groups would meet their goals. Ann, on the other hand, didn’t join the others.
She declared, “This is total bullshit! You set us up. I’m out of here”. Then, she stomped off and headed toward her bright blue dually with “Drafty Barn” horse magnets on the sides. Our horse partner, Al, sensed her anger, bolting across the arena, wringing his neck out of frustration.
I turned to Stacie, inquiring in front of the group, “Would Ann be okay and was there some damage control we should be concerned with?”
Thinking to myself, the whole fly selection in the opening activity now made more sense. Ann must be experiencing a lot of self-doubt, feeling compelled to lash out at anything and anyone who she deemed had wronged her in some way.
Stacie responded, “Nah, this is how she can be sometimes. I’ll call her later and check in once she’s had a chance to settle down.”
One could sense the rest of the group was relieved with Stacie’s response, because Ann had put on quite a show. Since Stacie was the only person with a close connection to Ann, her abrupt departure didn’t really impact the other participants.
We re-grouped, finishing up our day together with an activity called lie detector. Ashely was invited to ride Al, then share with us two stories, one truthful and one lie.
During the first story she told, Al walked quietly around the arena as Stacie led him, holding the lead rope softly in her hand. When she finished that story, Stace turned Al in the opposite direction around the arena, inviting Ash to share a second tale.
As soon as she started talking again Al began acting up. He swished his head back and forth; then nipped at Stacie’s hand holding the rope. Since this was one of our first times partnering with him for an EAL session, Stacie interpreted his behavior as him being a jerk, so she sought to correct him by pulling strongly on the lead.
When Ashely finished her second story, we asked her mom, Deb, if she could tell which one was the lie. Deb guessed it was the first one, based on some of facts that Ashley shared. Much to her surprise, Ash told her the lie was the second one! Now, Al’s behavior made sense. He was reading the incongruence of Ashley’s words and the truth. Thus, the name of the activity “lie detector”. He could detect the disconnect, even her own mother couldn’t!
From this day forward, Stacie and I recognized that there was no such thing as JUST a “demo” or demonstration. The therapeutic nature of partnering with horses was always present. That this work was incredibly powerful, tapping into the emotions and feelings of the participants, however they show up in the space.
Recall a time when you felt your trust was betrayed, when you thought you were “set up”. What did you do?
Think about your current relationships. Describe the most trustworthy ones. What is present in those relationships?
In the future, what can you do or not do to create more trust?