BOUNDARIES
My draft mare and soul horse, Tigger, trained me very well to give her scratches before she left her stall each morning. To get a sense of her size, I’m 5’5” and can’t see over the middle of her back. Each time I’d go into her stall, dangling halter in hand, she’d drop her huge head and wait – all 1,800 pounds of huggable, furry, immovable, horse standing solidly asking for me to give her some love. Most days this action brought me pure joy, providing me a moment of being fully present.
Then there were the times when I was running late and “had” to get horses out NOW. My tardiness did not matter one iota to this gentle giant. To get her forward movement I would be required to take the time to let her know I loved her – even briefly – before those dinner plate sized feet were going to cross the entrance of her stall. What a gift she gave me – a required time to pause, even if I didn’t want to or think it was the priority at the time.
The behavior of stopping to be scratched before leaving her stall was a complete waste of time to my barn manager, Tam. Tam believed Tigger’s request was the opposite of joyful. For this life-long horse woman, it was straight-up disrespectful. She would insist that Tigger move out of her stall when asked. Tam wasn’t real happy with me either, since I’m the one that created, and actively supported, this bad-mannered behavior!
Tiggs size is not the predominant factor in her getting her way in our exchange. It was a combination of her asking and my willingness to respond to her request. Animals training their humans can take many forms. Kunigunda is my 8.8 lb. rescue dog who also has me well trained (I’m seeing a pattern here?!). This little white ball of fluff that looks like a toy instead of real dog, has figured out that when I am on the phone, or a zoom call, if she barks and bats at me with her tiny paws that I will give her treats. This behavior has been repeatedly rewarded to the point that to be able to participate, without incessant background barking, I have to remove her, shutting the doors to my office!
For those of us in the equine world, getting even the slightest lean (physical shift) into a scary wash rack or horse-eating trailer is a positive result when you are asking a frightened horse to move forward. One rewards their desired behavior by taking the pressure off, in hopes that the horse will move farther in the desired direction the next time we try. Horse training is always best when it is on the horse’s timeframe. Meaning, there’s a core belief with all the horse-people I know that you never end a training session where the horse “wins”. A horse win could be the equine not moving forward or even backing up further away from your goal. The human must stay committed to the horse’s learning. Though if the goal is a full step into the washrack or trailer and time is running out, you’ll take the lean as a win, calling it good.
You may be wondering why horses would be so frightened of a washrack or horse trailer. Put yourself in this prey animals’ hooves. Usually wash stalls are dark, so are the insides of horse trailers. Both sort of look like the entrance to a cave. In a horse’s mind there could be a cougar, lion, or other meat-eating animal crouching inside that black space. Better to avoid it in order stay alive.
What does “lean in” look like in a human context? Much has been written and researched regarding human decision-making, which usually begins with self-awareness. The depth of information is vast, from physical considerations like brain research, to mindsets, personality types, learning styles, as well as the effects of various experiences, such as trauma (big T and little t).
Speed of movement is also something to pay attention to when working with horses. Managing the optimum speed for the best results. One solution to a horse moving forward too quickly is to turn them. Let’s say you’re out on a trail ride on your horse. Beautiful day, slight breeze, puffy white clouds on a bright blue background, chirping birds. Calmly walking your horse enjoying nature’s bounty. Along comes one of the world’s scariest creatures. A squirrel swiftly darts across the path in front of you, startling your noble steed. Your horse bolts, taking off at a dead run for the safety of the barn.
You hang on, seeking an open space to be able to turn your horse. If you’re riding with a bridle, the rider can literally pull a rein (right or left) to make the horse stop going straight. This redirection pulls them back in their body. By bending instead of simply running straight, they are forced to pay attention. Once you have their attention, then the human can work with their horse to reset themselves in order to walk calmly back on the trail.
One human equivalent to pulling on a rein or re-direction yourself is grounding. Deep breathing is one way to get grounded, accessing your vagal nerves. The vagal nerves carry signals between your brain, heart, and digestive system. They’re a key part of your parasympathetic nervous system. Your parasympathetic nervous system controls “rest and digest” functions. It’s the opposite of your sympathetic nervous system’s “fight or flight” response.
When considering self-awareness, there are many tools, techniques, assessments, and resources to help an individual craft an accurate (at that time) profile of the self. Tools are devices designed to carry out a function, while techniques are how you use them. For instance, say you’ve got a lead rope or leash, that’s your tool. Your success depends on how you use it, that’s the technique.
Self-awareness is a moving target, evolving as we discover, learn, and grow. If you choose to use feedback from others as a means of increasing your self-awareness, be certain to consider the others’ motives, their role, and incentives. Feedback is always about the sender, it may or may not be about the receiver.
Additionally, there are alternative theories, healing modalities, and spiritual practices that humans hold which invite movement or action. I’m referring to invisible energy fields, the power of prayer, reiki, meditation, etc. There is increasing science behind how thoughts, emotions, and beliefs have healing power. There is a fascinating link between consciousness and human connection, as well as the relationship between suppressed emotions and disease.
Given all of the aforementioned variables, it’s easy to understand why boundary setting can be challenging. The complexity of setting boundaries, whether for a horse that requests scratches, a puppy that begs for treats, or a friend that takes advantage of you is just that, complex.
Think of the lean-in, horse or human, as a “try”. With horses, it can be easy to reward the try. Give yourself the same grace. When you lean in, reward your try, then seek to move further into that horse-eating washrack tomorrow.
Recall a time where you set a healthy boundary. What conditions were present that enabled you to set that boundary?
Is there a current situation where you are feeling taken advantage of? What do you think you can leverage for the situation to change to be better for you?
What actions are you going to try and who will hold you accountable?